he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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