FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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