Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
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