I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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