I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We need to get me chipped asap
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
