I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
