he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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