that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
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