you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize