Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
