i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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