My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
