does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize