did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
BRING THE BAGELS
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
