Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize