oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
