I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
