you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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