you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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