the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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