just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
