so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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