the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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