I murdered the dance floor call the cops
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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