If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
