We won't sleep together?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Randomize
