whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
