Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
