becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
