Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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