I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
