You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
