I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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