I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
