We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
