I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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