i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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