There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
