if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
