the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
