We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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