I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize