i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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