every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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