I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
