I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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