I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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