Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
