so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
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