im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
