My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
