were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
