when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
