I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
