you will always have a special place in my vag
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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