She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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