I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Randomize
