watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
