I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
