dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
