I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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