My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
