He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
