At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
