Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
