just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
